Joy Jumping

Lately I have been shopping. I have my best friends coming up to the cabin and we are doing a fix-up project. I want it to be perfect when they come. We are putting a new bed on the porch, new flooring, new shelving and cabinets. Also purchasing a gazebo. So what I have to do to make all this happen is, shop for beds and a mattress, a couch that one can turn into a sleeper but it has to be comfortable in both positions. Then the gazebo needs a rock base so I have to hire someone to install that. Then there is the furniture inside the gazebo. What stuff can I steal from home? What stuff do I want to buy? We have a budget of course, so each purchase is a weighing-in on cost vs quality and budget. I have to hold myself back because I tend to get the more expensive because of my bias. I think the more you pay, the better thing you will get. Well that has bitten me in the ass a few times. The tempurpedic bed that was $5000 had to be returned because the smell made me sleep in a fit of coughing. For the past twenty or thirty years, I have been in search of the bed that feels like sleeping on a cloud. I have come to the conclusion that it probably won’t exist until I return to the heavens.

So my mind gets on this track and it starts weighing all the ramifications of the purchase. I know this will be the last time I buy stuff for the porch or the gazebo and I want it right. Although I have been pretty good at returning stuff for a refund so that has saved me a few times. I learned to be careful to buy things in stock. I bought a ‘custom’ couch for the downstairs. I purposely chose one with separate sections so it could fit down the bending stairwell to the basement. The delivery men tried up and down to make it fit. “No work,” he finally admitted. I was sick. I wanted to return it but they would not budge because it was a custom order.  So we took the window out, hauled it through the snowy back yard and carefully slid it in the hole in the wall.  That was not fun. Although I love shopping, I am also scared of buying the wrong thing.

 At the same time, I love imagining the cabin with the new items. Friends sitting around, (in comfort), laughing and enjoying my created space. And when they come to stay, is there a place for them to put their things away and easily get to them? That is a must. So I look at IKEA, Pottery Barn, Macy’s, Room and Board for that perfect piece, that I can afford. I must say IKEA can’t be beat for stuff like this considering the price. But I went to IKEA to take a look at the cubbies I was interested in. I saw that they were all mounted to the wall. I assume to give them structural integrity. I don’t want to be screwing things into the pine walls.

Then the other day, I found the answer. I was coming out of the bathroom at the Y and there it was the perfect thing I was looking for. Cubbies for kids to put their belongings in. They were free standing birchwood cubicles from Lakeshore Learning. It was perfect for my cabin guests to put their stuff away and still be able to see what they have. Lots of room and it would fit nicely on the porch. So I ordered it and was so tickled to finally find the right thing

I call this planning and shopping process of cabin dreaming, joy jumping. It is fun for me to have the chance to create my perfect space. The place where I will write books and be joyful in the nature surrounding me. Oh, how I love it upnorth by the lake and the pines.  But the joy jumping also gives me a stomach ache and causes some sleepless nights. I get so wound up with this active mind and the weighing of the choices that my body tenses along the jaw line and my shoulders rise up a couple inches. I think, hey, slow down Judy. This is not good for you. I can’t stop. It is an addiction of sorts once I have a goal in mind. I can’t stop till I find the perfect thing and I have to be sure that I have turned every leaf and visited every store. Before I found the Lakeshore cubbies, I spent an hour and a half in the Container Store looking and considering if this shelf, and this cupboard will be right for what I want and is it worth the cost? I had a set all picked out. It would work, but it wasn’t perfect I thought, because the shelves were not deep enough. I didn’t think I would find anything perfect so I asked the salesman to get it together while I went online and signed up for a coupon for 15% off and while I was doing that, I panicked. I just didn’t want to buy anything. I told poor Alex that ‘my husband’ didn’t think it was the right thing and I was sorry but I was going to walk. It felt good to get out of that store. I just couldn’t stand to wait anymore while they pulled the items, and loaded up my car. I was outta there and felt like I dodged a bullet.

After dinner I went back on line and shopped some more. When I woke in the middle of the night, like I always do, I started up again. When I wake, I usually scan my brain and see if there is something I am worried about. Something I have to solve and then there is no stopping the mind and sleep is impossible. When that happens I take out my iphone and headphones and listen to a meditation on the 10% Happier app. It helps my mind stop and I can sleep. 

So when I woke this morning, I was not so good. I took a walk first thing. It was a gorgeous misty spring morning and two deer jumped right in front of me and crossed the road. They are the exact color of the woods and I had a spurt of joy to see their graceful beauty and to have these creatures so close to my home. The wetland was all misty and grey and after my walk I sat on the swing at the top of the hill and saw three stark white trumpeter swans on the wide part of the creek below. It was such a relief to have a respite from the incessant shopping thoughts. I was moved to tears at the relief and the beauty that nature can give. Then I came upstairs and sat on my cushion and meditated for 20 minutes. I could feel my body release when I focused on my breath and awareness of “how I was doing in my body” I heard the birds outside my window chirping with the welcoming of the new day and my body began to feel like I was immersed in a warm bath. It relaxed and for twenty glorious minutes I was able to begin again after my thoughts tried to grab on to the shopping mode. Ah, sweet relief. I could feel and hear the in and out of my breath. It was so good for me.

Now shopping today, online, I am finding what I was looking for and finally made some purchases. I want to be done, now and ease back into just enjoying and stop the joy jumping. It never allows me to feel sheer joy because I am not here now, I am in the future and lordy knows, that future never comes and all there is is now. One thing I know is that writing makes me happy and meditating allows for true joy.