Bad Ju Ju

When I was nine years old, we moved to the suburbs. I had a pink room with lacy dresser curtains that flew open when you pressed the button to expose the drawers. This seemed like magic to me. I loved our new house. I was in the middle of third grade when I went to my new school, Our Lady of Perpetual Help. I made friends with a neighbor girl in my same grade. I liked my friend ok, but I wished I could make friends with Jane. She lived across the willow tree field in a big white farm house. She had a pixie haircut and was so cute. I met her at the school bus stop but she had seven brothers and sisters so she didn't really need a new friend. After some time, I did make the cut and Jane is still my friend today. Anyway, the friend I did have invited me to go out with them to dinner and a movie. It was her parents and us, the two nine year old girls.  

The parents had an affinity for thriller movies. I sat there wide eyed and scared out of my wits. When they dropped me off to go home I was afraid to walk the twenty-five steps to the front door. I didn't know the scars these movies put on my little heart and soul would linger. I was so scared, I couldn't stay home alone for many years, maybe until I was a late teen. I was mostly afraid of a ghost coming to visit me.

It didn't help that around this time, my Uncle Ted died. Seeing him in the casket just added a new layer of fear. I thought he would come back and try to contact me. I remember the crusty deposits in the corner of his pasty mouth as he lay dead in the coffin—the first person I ever saw dead. Oh I was just basically and profoundly frightened. I had learned that his ghost could return from the movies and how the spirit could wrestle with you and try to take you over. creepy stuff.

Today I was journalling about that time in my life and It  occurred to me how damaging it was for me to see those horror movies when I was so little and then to see my Uncle Ted lifeless and pale. If I could have talked about it, maybe it would have helped me work through these fears, but I probably didn't know how to express it or even know I was so profoundly scared. I think I kept it to myself because I was ashamed of how scared I was. I knew mom would say, oh you are being silly and I thought my fright was babyish. My mom and dad never monitored what I watched or controlled it. I always thought, I can handle it. But the fact was, I couldn't. It spread the bad ju ju right into my little psyche with a lasting effect.

So to this day, I steer clear of horror shows. I never would let myself watch the Exorcist, it would just send me over the edge to freaked out oblivion. Against my usual choice of shows, I started watching Breaking Bad a month ago. Many people told me how good it was. I had watched the first episode. It offended my sensibilities. Then some friends I love and respect told us they both just binge watched it cause they liked it so much, but you had to get past the first three episodes. So I gave it a try and yep, it's pretty compelling. I am entirely entertained by this show. I sit on the edge of my seat in a state of fright, "Come on escape the danger. Come on choose the right path," I yell at the TV. -- he never does. I guess it is the he adrenaline rush of getting yourself in a real fix and figuring a way out that keeps me coming back.  I am on season five now episode two and I try to limit myself to one show after dinner, like you would do with cocktails so as not to become a BAD-AHOLIC. Although it is compelling and I am watching, I wonder how good this is for my soul. I do remember at least one recent dream where I was hiding stacks of cash and worried about being discovered. Am I bringing Bad Ju Ju upon myself by continuing to watch? 

To this day, I still regret my bad judgement while having my grand daughter, Cora sleep over night.  I love her so much. She was about four or five and we watched ET. She got so scared when the guys came with the masks and the breathing sounds were so loud and they were trying to capture ET. Little Cora seemed scared but I thought it would all be better when she saw how it turned out. Not so much. Tessie told me she had nightmares for 4 days after she went home. I felt so awful. I knew that I had messed up and I was painfully sad. I thought, Cora will never trust me again. The last thing on earth I wanted would be to harm my dear little cora in anyway. I have a hard time forgiving myself for that one and it happened twelve years ago. The saddest thing is that I don't think Cora ever stayed overnight again until she was a teenager. I gave her some Bad JuJu. I am sorry little Cora for not protecting your tender little soul. I saw her last night and I told her that. She says she still gets scared sometimes when she watches certain shows, but not THAT scared. 

POST NOTE: Joe and I landed in San Miguel Mexico two weeks ago and lo and behold we have a nice TV that gets Netflix. We finished Breaking Bad a few days ago. What an amazing show. The writing was so good because it gave you hints of what was to come and then kept you strung along in suspense. Perfect character development and a study in human frailties. Walt got himself into fix after fix because of his compulsion for cooking meth. He loved the challenge and he was the best at it. He never comes clean or does the right but in the end, he does admit that he did it for himself, while all during the show he said he did it for the family. It was so satisfying to get this one truth out of him. Anyway, I am glad I watched it. It was thoroughly entertaining. If I got some bad juju, I think it is waning and it was worth the thrill.